July 16th, 2009
Conclusions~Group 6
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edigiorgio in
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Group 6: Brandon, Chavonne, & Kelly
Post your two conclusions below by Saturday 5:00 pm. Comment on your group members’ conclusions by Sunday 5:00 pm.
EOF 2009~Foundations of Reading & Writing Rocks
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on July 16th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Brandon Bush 7/16/09
Professor d.
Conclusion # 1
Growing from a child to mature teenager into the years I depart and leave my family to live on my own as an adult in the complex world of today’s society I will recall all of the people and the memories that changed my life for the better and the worse to lead me to where I will be in the upcoming future. Recollecting the times I went out to get high and drunk is more than just an intense load of fun but a lesson as well. Learning that life is not always about having fun, one must learn their limits and know when to take life seriously because you can’t be a child forever. Going through hell with my girlfriend’s parents was one of the worst time periods in my life that I had to face. It was such a firm task for me to accomplish, quitting had crossed my mind time and time again in that segment of my life. But I said, “No, I am not a quitter if I can’t handle a little bit of uneasiness from this girls parents, how am I going to handle the uneasiness in the rest of my life?” Caring for others is a characteristic that every person in this world possess and controls, it depends on how much they put forth to create a better influence on the world.
Conclusion # 2
The Guidance of others is the main source that creates who I am to this day. If there wasn’t the existence of friends, or family, and relationships I wouldn’t be Brandon Bush from Allentown High School preparing to go to Stockton College right now. I am a piece of art work with a collective amount of artists. These are no famous artist that went to a fancy art school or any famous painter, but these are the everyday people involved in my life with jobs like a home nurse or a Ben and Jerry’s employee at Six Flags Great Adventure. They put in mass amounts of time and effort just to create who I am, and I will eventually become to be. My childhood consists of the love, passion and care that pushed me through all 18 years of my life. The people that constructed who I am today did it with their hearts and their concerns.
on July 16th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
COMMENT TO BRANDON!!
In the first conclusion, it seems to have alot of information in one sentence. Although the content is great. i sugestion would be to break off the different ideas or points and create new sentences. You want to make sure you stay free of run on sentences. Another thing i would be interested in seeing is more detail with the fact that you didn’t get along with your girfriend’s parents. Maybe you can write a few sentences about the hardship you went through with them and maybe her view on the conflict. I like the topic that you chose. After reading it i wanted more to read. I am excited to read the final paper and get to know more about your story. I also really like how you put together your second conclusion. the detailed helped me get a visual picture of your friends and where they worked. Keep up the good work BUDDY!!
on July 16th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
Thanks Chavonne ill be sure to add in more specific detail on their dislike in me and ill turn the run- ons into separate sentences
on July 16th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Imagine what I was daydreaming of in class became reality. Imagine sliding down a 1000 foot water slide into a pool, or even an ocean. Think of how purifying that would feel compared to the everyday activities in your surroundings. Maybe the water can serve as a cleanser of the mind and opening to new things beyond the everyday life. If you can picture it the way I can, you might be able to feel that sense of new and different perspective on life as opposed to everyone else in the world. Although I do have the urge to get away from my neighborhood, I wouldn’t dream nearly as big as I do had I not been naturally blessed with a natural ability to think larger than usual thoughts.
Its shows in my personality how energetic and excited I get when I hear the word shark, and aquarium, or orca, and ocean. It may sound weird but only if you don’t allow your mind to relax and open up. I am absolutely different, might I add. I have come to find this out after realizing how boring of a city I live in. Sure everyone enjoys going bowling, skating, and the movies, but if you allow your mind and body to be comfort and satisfied with only these activities, how will you ever get out and adventure? Not just scuba diving and waterskiing; but think deeper, and louder. For one to have skills, they should have the mindset of thinking the unthinkable and doing the impossible, but there is always something that builds up your thought and influences your topic of thought. My mind not only allows me to be open to more unordinary and risky things, but had it not been for my boring neighborhood, I would have never felt the urge to want to go away and do bigger things.
on July 16th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
brandons
i love brandons first conclusion but i think the beginning is a little lond and could break it up into sentense. i like how he kind of summerized his conclusion about is whole essay. i really dont think there is to much to say bad about this one. he did a great job
barndon second conclusion was good. i didnt understand the beginning. i think he could add something to it to spice it up a little. othere than that i was good. not better then the first one though.
on July 16th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
The first conclusion is well written and thought out i like how you describe the water, the only thing is your missing some commas that need to be in there because you switch thought and it needs a pause. The second conclusion is good also you have a comma in one of the sentences that makes it a run-on just put a period and start a new sentence with the topic that it ran into.
on July 16th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
The first sentence is really long and while you have great opints, you should make it more catchy. I dont get intrigued by just reading that first part…especially considering how how long it is. It drives me away. So if you are going to keep it long…make the first word or sentence catchy….just an example…maybe you can turn the paragraph around and say.Say something about liquor or weed. Liek… Remi makes me whikle and weed relaxes me, and since you had problems with your girl’s parents etc…you can say thats why you drank sometimes….it doesnt have to sound like youre an atttic or anything… i dont know exactly know what the essay is about but althought drinking is not the main point in your life, you can still begin it by talking about it because its drills rhe reader in.. Your second conclusion is great, but i think the first one has more potential
on July 17th, 2009 at 11:22 am
FOR KELLY,
IN THE FIRST SENTENCE YOU SHOULD ADD IF. IT SHOULD READ, IMAGINE IF WHAT I WAS DREAMING IN CLASS BECAME REALITY. THE NEXT FEW SENTENCES ARE VERY DESCRIPTIVE. I LIKE THE PART WHEN YOU TALKED ABOUT THE LADDER AND SLIDING DOWN INTO THE WATER. I COULD IMAGINE THE WATER RELAXING MY MIND THROUGH THE GOOD DESCRIPTION. I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THE WATER UNTIL YOU INTRODUCED YOU POINT OF VIEW. I REALLY LIKE IT. GREAT JOB!
IN THE FIRST SENTENCE OF THE SECOND PART, YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT THE AND AND ORS AND JUST LEAVE THE COMMAS. ON THE LAST ONE YOU MENTION, YOU CAN ADD THE AND/OR. THERE IS A LITTLE PADDING IN BETWEEN. YOU SHOULDN’T PUT MIGHT I ADD. I ALSO LIKE THE FACT THAT YOU TRY TO CHANGE THE WAY THE AVERAGE MIND THINKS. GREAT JOB WITH THE DESCRIPTION.
on July 17th, 2009 at 11:32 am
CONCLUSION # 1
Imagine a basketball arena full of fans, authentic basketball attire purchased at the stores within the stadium. A portion of the profits will go to my salary I make as a professional WNBA player. Everyday I will drive my upper class automobile to the mandatory basketball practices scheduled for the team. All of my hardwork and mastered fundamentals will be showcased to the world, both in person and through the media. Every accomplishment that I have made from the beginning of my career has placed me in this comfortable and luxury filled lifestyle. Striving for excellence has surely helped me accomplish my goals and reach my childhood dreams of becoming a professional WNBA player.
on July 17th, 2009 at 11:42 am
CONCLUSION # 2
Whenever one puts there mind to something, they should dive in head first. Never slack off because there is always someone in this world who has dreamed to be in your position. Growing up I always had the mindset of being one step ahead of my competition. As i woke up at 6am on a beautiful summer day, I knew that not everyone else would be doing the same. I worked to my best ability to further my talent by hard work and perseverance. If someone worked hard, I made sure i worked harder. I never work on anything and put a little effort into it. I always put my all into any activity I start. Discipline has to be a major part of success. Waking up and having time management is very important if one wants to master their field of talent. I will never give up on hope that someday I mcan achieve greatness. If nobody believes in me, I will.
on July 18th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Chavonne i like both of your conclusions the first one gives me the feeling of of fan. the second one is good too i like the way you provide a story to tell us how hard you worked for what you wanted. it kind of repeats itself a little bit but you can fix that.
on July 19th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Wow, i like both conclusions i cant say one is better because they both flow well and you get your point across in both. i really like how conclusion 1 starts off because and your description allows me to paint a picture of the arena. However i feel like there should be a transition sentence btween the WNBA player, and Everyday I will drive..etc. Its like you go from being a WNBA player to driving your to practice in college. Maybe you can use that sentence about growing up in conclusion two.
‘Imagine a basketball arena full of fans, authentic basketball attire purchased at the stores within the stadium. A portion of the profits will go to my salary I make as a professional WNBA player. Growing up I always had the mindset of being one step ahead of my competition. I worked to my best ability to further my talent by hard work and perseverance. If someone worked hard, I made sure i worked harder. Everyday I will drive my upper class automobile to the mandatory basketball practices scheduled for the team. All of my hardwork and mastered fundamentals will be showcased to the world, both in person and through etc….’
Its longer, but does it sound ok?
on July 19th, 2009 at 11:28 am
that was for Chavonne